The Caffeinated Writer

I used to dream of writing and publishing books. I spent my early to mid teen years reading, dreaming, and writing one series of 3 books. At that time, my family was influenced greatly by an extremely conservate, fundamental church and organization which limited the types of books I could read. Even though my growing individualism had questions about what we were being told to believe and act, I had a great fear of being more of the black sheep than I already felt as the second oldest – daydreamer, tomboy, lover of western movies, strong dislike for sci-fi (exact opposites of most of my siblings with the exception of my partner-in-crime of a sister who shared similar tomboy traits).

Today, my world is much different than how I was raised. It has been 20 years since I completed the first draft of my first book which has yet to be published. Life got in the way. My father walked out on the family. I worked several part time jobs trying to keep a car running and to be able to maintain a certain level of flexibility. In this time, I started writing a book that was part of a larger series involving 8 other authors – The Romany Epistles. And then I got my first full-time job in the corporate sector at 24. That very quickly led to my entrance into college.

5 years after starting college I ended it, pregnant. Boy, was that a shocker. Pregnant, single, but with a double Bachelor’s degree in English and Criminal Justice. A minor in Creative Writing. A plan to have my child, get back in shape, go into law enforcement, and lead a successful life. 6 years after I started my first job post-college I sit here looking back wondering what just happened! I did in fact get back into shape, go into the police academy when my child was 17 months old, graduate the academy just after her 2nd birthday, and work a year as a police officer. Since then I have spent 7 months unemployed, published a children’s book, got my class A Commercial Driver’s License, drove an 18-wheeler for 3 months, then came home and worked as a tow truck driver and then in dispatch for the same company while I got my alternative certification to teach. Now I am a middle school English teacher. If I had not packed so much into 5 years, I would have doubted so much was possible.

But here I am. A published children’s book author with plans for more children’s books but also a dream to finish my “adult” works, too. I say “adult” to mean “not a children’s book” and not in the connotation that “adult fiction” may have. Teens may find my older works interesting as well and just as appropriate for them as adults.

I have missed having an outlet for my thoughts and aspirations. Have I had any real outlet for them? If you’re my friend on Facebook, you know I have. But Facebook statuses are hard to fit everything in that goes on in my head. Occasionally I’ll come out with a long status because ideas and thoughts and feelings have pent up so long that I have to release it in some fashion. I once played around with blogging but got caught up in other aspects of creating a blog that I fell away from the actual blog itself. Here I am not going to worry about the “other” aspects of blogging. I am writing just to write and hopefully help someone else out there who may be in the same boat. This may, in the end, simply just be for me.

I struggle with what I believe to be (non-diagnosed) minor or a low level form of depression. It is not helped by the fact that as a single parent, everything takes twice as long for me to accomplish. And the lack of, or delayed results of, my efforts tend to thwart my bouts of productivity which only proves to hinder my long term goals.

I get myself motivated enough to clean up my apartment. It looks good. Then my kid starts pulling out her toys. At first I remember to remind her to put her toys back up. Then I forget and she forgets. And then one day my entire apartment is a cluttered mess. My 5 1/2 year old daughter wants to do more and more things on her own, but I know she is just about to create another mess that I am going to have to clean up and the mess that I have been dealing with is stressing me out already. I tell her to stop but she doesn’t and she creates the exact fiasco I foresaw coming. This leads to a blow up on my part and a melt down on her part.

I have a gym membership. I am about 70-80 pounds overweight, 10 pounds heavier than I was 9 months pregnant. But I can’t get to my gym after work to work out before I have to pick up my kid from daycare because of timing and traffic. And the fact my gym won’t let me bring my kid with me. I also struggle to make “healthy” meals instead of eating what’s fast and easy because after dealing with the middle school kids in the district I work in, I don’t want to go home and spend my time cooking in a kitchen and then cleaning up afterwards. My kid also knows what she likes and there is no way I am making two different meals. I had a meal delivery service where I would precook and prep everything on the weekend ahead of time, but I had to quit that to save money.

Money for a house. That’s right. I have to get out of the 1 bedroom apartment/living spaces I have been in since I graduated college. I have slept in the same bed as my kid since she was born. I could never afford a 2 bedroom apartment.

Further complicating the matter, I have to have complete darkness to sleep but she needs light or me right next to her. So when she needs to go to bed to get her necessary sleep, I have to go to bed. It doesn’t mean that I sleep. In fact, most nights I suffer from insomnia. I greatly wish I could just get up and get things done. And some nights I can in fact slip out. But then there are also the wee hours of the morning where she wakes me up in her tossing and then I can’t get back to sleep. So I try and slip out then to get something done. Then I get a little too confidant and try to grind some coffee beans to make coffee which wakes her up and back to the bed I have to go.

Now as I am typing this out, I am sitting on a toddler mattress on the floor next to my bed with “Nana’s music” playing on my phone as she naps. It isn’t the most comfortable arrangement. My neck kind of hurts from looking down, I lean carefully against the nightstand afraid my weight is going to push it back and knock stuff off and wake her up.

So my days during the week when school is in, I come home and make us frozen burritos with chili (me), cheese, and sour cream and zone out as I watch a show on my TV and play on my phone. My weekends are spent creating the slideshows for the next week’s lessons. And working in the nursery at a local church for a couple extra dollars a month.

So not much gets done towards my goal of writing and publishing my books. I hardly spent any time studying for the test I had to take just before Christmas (still passed with flying colors).

I also have very little contact with other people outside of my family get togethers and work. My closest friend lives a couple hours away and the church I work at and have, for the most part, attended since I moved down from Huntsville 6 years ago doesn’t have a life group (small group) for people like me (singles in their 30s and 40s or single moms).

But yet I have hope. Hope even after having what little light at the end of the tunnel I saw last week torn away after putting earnest money down on a contract on a house that would have meant separate rooms for us and a little more space.

I have a job that pays exceptionally well. I can truly breathe easier these days after 2 years of struggling and kicking financial freedom down the road. I also have a job that gives me a lot of paid time off. All holidays, extra Spring and Fall breaks, a Winter (Christmas and New Years) break, and 2 months of Summer. I still spent a little much on Christmas, but that is neither here nor there. I got a stipend in October that I was not expecting. $1500 worth.

I have been listening to podcasts the last couple of months. If I didn’t listen to podcasts, I would know nothing of what is going on in the world out there. The Holy Post Podcast is one of my primary podcast listens, but I also found The Financial Feminist podcast, Game Changers with Molly Fletcher, Confessions of a Crappy Christian, It’s Fine, Get Your Hopes Up with Christy Wright, Dream Big Podcast with Bob Goff, The Resilient Mind, and a little of the Rachel Hollis Podcast, and sometimes I jump over to the Solo Parent podcast (but looking at their recent list of podcast episodes, it’s been a while).

I reminded myself the other day how much I love planners and a routine. So I bought another Commit30 planner. I found a 365 days of Bible prayers book on my shelf and have been consistent with it for 2 days now. I intend to get up at 5 a.m. during the regular school year (or earlier, if my kid wakes me up before then) and spend it in productive prayer, spiritual devotion, and journaling. Part of that journaling includes starting my day off listing things that I am grateful for because it’s a darn good way to start a day.

I also know that I am nearing the end of my current TV series that I watch in the evenings, so I won’t have anything to tempt me from using my evenings in a more productive manner very soon. Instead I can tackle the last project I have to complete before the end of the school year to finish my alternative certification program and get my standard certificate.

This also means more time available during the week to take my kid on a walk to the park and back (35 minutes one way). More time available during the week to complete lesson plans during the week and blog (particularly if I don’t lay around dealing with insomnia and put my time to better use). And more time on the weekend to throw the baseball around with my kid, because turns out, she kind of likes it.

I also strongly recommend the book, “Winning the War In Your Mind: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life” by Craig Groeschel. If you have Spotify premium, you can listen to it for free. I know that much of my struggle with depression is alleviated when I simply put one foot forward in front of the other and take simple steps at changing little things here and there. A little bit of productivity spurs on more productivity. And then things don’t seem so daunting.

So here is my first post on a blog strictly meant for releasing my thoughts and aspirations. And hopefully to help someone else out there along the way.